By Dr Anna Machin

Some Friendships Are Not Meant to Last Forever

This isn't loss, it's editing

I am in my mid-forties and I have started to notice that some of my friendships are costing me more than they are giving me. I feel guilty even thinking that. But I also know that some of these relationships have not really worked for a long time. How do I know which ones to let go of, and how do I do it without it turning into a drama or a ghosting?

The first thing to say is try and put the guilt to one side; what you are experiencing is perfectly normal. While we are used to romantic partnerships ending and even family rifts being the norm – who didn't notice the Beckhams and Ramsey-Peatys situation this past year? – we find actively ending friendships an uncomfortable step. But research on the nature of our social networks shows that these networks are always in flux. Our lives are not static, circumstances constantly change.

The people we meet and the needs we have change as we move from young adulthood, through the reproductive years and then on into post-menopause life. Over time some friends will become closer, others will drift further away. Some will drop out of the network entirely and others, newly made to meet new needs or because our circumstances have changed, will enter the network to take their place.

Dunbar’s number, 150, is the average size of a social network and at its core we only have 5 or so truly close friends. This means that as new friendships are made someone has to go. Research also shows that from puberty onwards female friendships are more fragile than those between males. This is due to the emotional intensity of our friendships – they closely parallel romantic love in this sense - which means we invest a lot of ourselves in them but they are, in turn, more volatile and more likely to break as perceived hurt and betrayal are more likely. Combine this fragility with an ever-changing network and experiencing the desire to end friendships is entirely the norm.

“Friendships are supposed to benefit us, not be a drain on our energy or emotions or make us feel awful about ourselves.”

Post 40 two things combine to make it more likely we will need to change up our friendship network.

The first is that we are often moving towards freedom from childcare responsibilities. This means that friendships made at the school gate, which were key to sharing childcare and whiling away playdates over cups of coffee but maybe not based on a mutuality of affection or personality, are no longer needed. Instead, we want to rediscover ourselves and our interests and put our own needs first, meaning a whole gamut of new friends, and possibly the resurrection of some old pre-child ones, is the norm.

Secondly, as we age, we become more confident about acknowledging our needs and being able to callout a relationship that doesn’t meet them. Overall, friendships are supposed to benefit us, not be a drain on our energy or emotions or make us feel awful about ourselves. As get older, we naturally notice more readily that the years are not finite, and thus to spend your time on a friendship which doesn’t meet your needs, is damaging or whose reciprocity is entirely one way in favour of your friend is not a good use of the precious time left to you.

“To spend your time on a friendship which doesn't meet your needs is not a good use of the precious time left to you.”

So how do you end a friendship elegantly and with the emotions and self-esteem of both parties intact?

Ideally, you will acknowledge the value and history of the friendship by doing so actively and face to face, as you would when honouring the end of a romantic relationship. So be clear and deliberate about your thoughts and intentions. A lack of directness simply muddies the waters and can do more harm than good.

There is no need to extensively justify your decision. We all have the right to end a relationship. And be clear that each friendship is the product of a unique alchemy between two people so this isn’t a reflection on either of your characters, just an acknowledgment that this particular mix of personalities is no longer working.

Avoid finger pointing or passive aggression and end by wishing your (ex) friend well. If this all sounds a little too scary and intense then a gentle distancing can be the answer. Our networks are made up of concentric layers like a dart board with you at the centre, the bullseye.

What places a friend in any particular layer is the frequency with which you interact with them and how emotionally close to them you are. The further away they are from you at the centre the less you see them and the lower your emotional closeness is. So rather than ghosting someone, simply see them less frequently, share less of your emotional self and they will naturally fall back through the layers, further and further away from you until they leave your active network and the friendship draws quietly to a close.

A truly managed exit.