As little ones your kids’ emotional ups and downs feel more manageable, more easily discussed. The toddler meltdowns on the high street, the friendship group shenanigans we went through, the fixations on activities which were over as soon as you bought the kit for them all of that felt doable. Back then keeping them content and happy seemed easier to me. I felt qualified to do that as a mum. But as my three girls and a boy aged I didn’t feel as sure of myself. 

I worried about eating disorders, anxiety, academic stress, I was fearful my teens weren’t telling me what was really going on as they inevitably separated from me. The new distance between us left me confused about the best way to help, it was such a juggle between helicoptering and not recognising when I was needed. I came to dislike hearing the words “I’m fine” intensely every time I thought something was wrong.  

When the eldest of my four children hit her teens, a wise therapist I interviewed advised me to think about changing my language when it came to supporting my daughter’s mental health as she matured.  

To put the therapist's advice in context you need to know that the teenage brain gets remodelled between the ages of 12 and 25. The part that controls emotions develops faster than the logical part. For a while adolescents seem to be all about emotions, they feel everything intensely. And as a parent it is hard to know how serious things are when you see them struggling. 

Dr Fiona Pienaar, chief clinical officer for the Royal Foundation's Mental Health Innovations, told me that one of the things you can do if you are trying to work out what is going on is double down on using the correct descriptions of your teens' feelings. 

So if your adolescent tells you they have anxiety, for example, perhaps push back and explain that anxiety has to be diagnosed by a clinician, but anxious thoughts are different. They are not unusual in adolescence when your body is changing, you are leaving the safety of childhood and trying to find an identity.

Asking them to specifically identify a feeling also helps them process it. You are not doubting the reality of their emotions, you are simply asking them to inspect them more thoroughly and add perspective. Doing this shows them you are taking them seriously but it also helps them understand if they can work through it themselves or if they need professional help. 

A teen's developmental drive to separate from their parents may mean they communicate their needs poorly. The words "I'm fine" usually greet any direct probing, and I often felt as if I was juggling live hand grenades when handling my four teenagers' emotional wellbeing. I was always worried about missing something or failing to understand what was at the root of their internal struggles. Thankfully, years of interviewing experts for my book and podcast has given me a grounding most parents do not have access to. And because moods move through teens speedily, like weather systems racing across a sky, there are behaviours that, understandably, you may miss. 

For example, great grades, brilliant sporting achievements and a meticulous revision timetable may look like everything is going smoothly, but as Dr Tara Porter, author of Good Enough: A Framework for Modern Parents, told me, it may also be a form of perfectionism, which is potentially worrying and stressful for a teen to cope with.  It may be a sign your teen feels so overwhelmed that they seek order with things they feel they can control, such as exam results. This may place mental pressure on many and is worth watching out for and gently questions in a supportive curious manner.  

When teens withdraw to their bedrooms that is not unusual behaviour. They do need more privacy and a frequently closed door. But if they begin to withdraw from their peer group, their activities and spend more time in isolation, that may also be a sign you need to check in on them closely. I used to leave a note asking how they were on their bed if I noticed this happening. They also prefer a side by side conversation rather than a face to face one. It feels less threatening to a sensitive, developing brain.

Another thing I learnt to watch out for was any big change in behaviour or routine: a sudden lack of interest in a passion they have, eating habits, sleeping habits, personal hygiene. If there are big changes here it may be a sign they are not coping with all the other change adolescence brings. 

Mental health struggles may also manifest as physical issues, things like acne, unexplained headaches and repeated colds. The body tells the story, and never more so than in adolescence. 

It is all about being constantly curious, not panicking or catastrophising, and knowing your own teen well, because they all differ as they mature. 

I tell parents in my newsletter community that you are not supposed to be the skilled expert here. You are the loving parent or caregiver. You are not a trained medic, a therapist, a sex education expert or a career coach. Sometimes you are going to need support. Nearly one in three young adults aged 16 to 24 have sought therapy, according to recent figures from NHS England. But doing so on the NHS is complicated and may involve long waits.

If you would like professional support to help you better understand what is going on with your teen, Mindplace, a part of Bupa, is developing a new offering for under-18s and their parents, designed with these challenges in mind. Coming soon, this service will provide access to professional guidance and support in dedicated mental wellbeing spaces, helping parents and young people navigate the ups and downs of adolescence together.

In the meantime, adults aged 18+ can already access support through the Mindplace network of mental wellbeing centres, offering face-to-face and digital support from qualified professionals when you need advice, guidance or reassurance.

If you want to understand more of what is going on with your teen with the help of a professional, Bupa Mindplace centres have developed a new offering for under 18s and their parents with all this in mind. You will have access to a network of mental health spaces offering face to face professional support for the times you need advice and reassurance. 

Being a teenager is hard. We have all been through it. It is joyous, hope-filled and exciting but it also brings a unique set of mental and physical challenges. The teens may be doing the heavy lifting but it is teamwork that will get you through.

Bupa Mindplace make looking after your mental wellbeing as easy as going to the the gym. Access is for all, not only those with bupa health insurance, so if you, or your teen are looking to care for your wellbeing visit Mindplace 

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