By Nedra Glover Tawwab

Nedra Glover on Why Are We Getting Lonelier in a Hyper-Connected World

Asking for support is not weakness

Nedra Glover Tawwab is a New York Times bestselling author, psychotherapist and has been voted on of TIME’s 100 most influential person in health. In this exclusive interview with theALLBRIGHT.com, she shares her thoughts on how our relationships are becoming increasingly shallow, why women mistake self-sufficiency for strength, and what it actually means to let people in.

Many people believe boundaries are a path to getting others to change,when in fact the most important boundaries centre on changing ourselves. We can make requests of others, but we cannot force them to honour them. What you decide to do when they do not is the boundary.

We have more ways to connect than ever, but those relationships are becoming increasingly shallow. We are missing depth. Instead of sharing our problems, we are withholding. Instead of showing up for others, we are choosing not to be inconvenienced.

Relationships require give and take, and caring for others will not always happen at the most convenient time. Work environments have shifted, and it makes sense that our ability to set boundaries has shifted too. It is important to assess what the boundaries are in your workplace and to identify which of your own you may be compromising in service of it.

The women I work with tend to be hyper-independent, functioning with little support and barely present or under-utilised support systems. Women are taught to be strong, and for some of us that translates to doing it all without asking for help or allowing others to show up for us.

My Instagram usage in the beginning looked very different from what it is now. I used to post a few times a day. Now I post every other day or so. My boundaries have shifted from being more available to less available. Since I am in charge of my platform, I can be intentional and discreet about what I share of my life.

“Women are taught to be strong, and sometimes that translates to doing it all without asking for help or allowing others to show up for us. ”

Grace is not offered enough in friendship. We extend grace in other relationships where we have more frequent contact, with our children, our parents, and yet we can offer that same grace to our friends, who also teach us about ourselves.

Every now and then it is helpful to ask: how is this relationship going? What do we need to shift?

Typically, I start with a workout after getting my kids off to school, then get ready for the day. Ideally, I would have some sort of closing ceremony to signal the end of my workday, a short meditation or some stretching, but on truly busy days that goes out the window. I do make it part of my daily routine to stay in touch and share some laughs with a few friends throughout the day.

Evenings look like a long bath, a good read and relaxing on my porch swing. On heavy client days I like to keep my personal interactions light and watch a comedy to break up the serious energy I have held throughout the day.

“Women should know that they are evolving, and that it is okay to change. ”

Support gets mistaken for weakness. I saw this firsthand growing up, watching how a lack of boundaries affects us throughout life. Learning to manage our boundaries early pays off long term. It starts with learning to let others help.

Instead of saying I do not need anything, try saying here is how you can help. People feel close to us when we let them in by being vulnerable enough to say I need help. Self-sufficiency is valuable, but it can also quietly close the door on the very support we need most.

Many of my loved ones and friends live outside my city, so intentional connection requires travel and dedication to spending time together despite our busy lives. What helps is having scheduled time with loved ones. On Thursdays I reserve an hour to chat with two of my closest friends.

Women should know that they are evolving, and that it is okay to change. Change is rarely sudden. We should give ourselves grace and keep asking what would make our future selves proud.